Week 37: The End is Near!

In fact, it's tomorrow! Due to my obstretric cholestatis, slightly raised blood pressure and baby slowing down, it's been decided that tomorrow - 20th Day - at 38 weeks pregnant , its D-Day for Baby Pedro.

I am in a mixed state of emotions - excited, scared, nervous, relieved! At the moment, the relief has taken over. After 8 weeks of going back and forth to the hospital it's nice to know there is a resolution, however, I'm also petrified of the fact that by the weekend, I'll be a mum. Oh, it sounds so grown up. Does that mean I'll have to start acting my age and stop binge drinking, watching Gossip Girl and being addicted to all things social media?! They actually wanted to induce him last week but all I kept thinking was I haven't shaved my legs, or had a pedicure - you can see the kind of mum I'm going to make!

It is however also MEGA exciting to think that hubby and I will soon get to meet our lovely newborn son. For 9 months now, he's been an abstract concept so it will be really nice to actually see him and start discovering his personality and what he looks like. We've already had bets on whether he'll have my nose or my hubby's ears - it's hilarious to think that he will be a mix of us. We know he's got long legs, so I'm hoping he'll be tall, handsome and most of all healthy.

So, I won't be posting for a while as I get to grips with this little fella and his needs, but once I'm back on track, I'll be back here blogging about the ups and downs of being a new mum. I'm sure, knowing me, I'll find myself in all sorts of situations - as my mother said, I never like to make anything simple. So I'm leaving you with the last picture of my hubby and me pre-baby - eek! Life will never be the same again...

Week 36: The Head is Engaged!

Earlier this week, I started waddling like a duck! Yes, walking the dog became a huge effort and along with the waddling, I was also getting a strange pain in my pelvis. I didn't really give it much thought as I'd read lots about ligaments softening and just thought this was the case, but when I saw the midwife this week she told me the head was engaged!

For me, engagement means a diamond ring, but in this case it means the baby is on the move and his head is now down low in my pelvis - hence the waddling and pain.

Immediately I thought I was going into labour, but apparently they can stay this way until they come out. The good thing about it is that I don't feel so breathless now that baby has moved down and my heartburn has pretty much burnt out! The bad thing is it feels like the baby will drop out any minute but I've been told that's a medical improbability so that's a relief, however, it also makes me want to pee every 5 mintues, which isn't such a relief.

So maybe baby Pedro will come early on his own accord? I'd certainly prefer that to having to be induced. The one thing I'm worried about though is whether I'll know I'm going into labour! Is that stupid? Or is that a normal pregnant-for-the-first-time worry? So I'm off to google first signs of labour now to ensure I know what to look for!

Week 35: The nesting instinct

It has to be said that I'm not the most domesticated of people. I do keep my house clean and tidy but I'm not obsessed with it and in fact, if I had the money, I'd pay someone to clean, cook and generally look after me.

When I started reading about the nesting instinct that pregnancy brings on, I laughed - out loud. The last thing I'd ever expect was to feel the need to feather my nest but this week it seems to have kicked in. First up, I had a desperate desire to get the baby's room ready - even though he'll be sleeping with us for the first 6 months.

Whether it's because Pedro may be coming early or because this is a natural mothering instinct, I'm not sure, but now we've sorted it out, I feel much more relaxed. It's also given me a chance to sort out everything we've bought for him and boy, have we bought a lot of stuff. It constantly amazes me how such a small thing can need so much stuff!

The other thing that's happened is a desire to cook. Now usually this is the husband's job - partly because he's around more and partly because that's what he originally trained at. However, since I've been on maternity leave, I've been conjuring up delicious treats every night - veggie lasagne, home-made pizza, home-made spaghetti and meatballs and banofee pie. I couldn't stop at one of these either, had to make two - why?!

The most hilarious part of this latest nesting affliction is that I don't even have much of an appetite now so poor ole hubby is eating and eating and eating... maybe this is why partner's often put on weight! Anyway, must dash... off to make a Peach Melba cheesecake...

Top Tip: Keep on with that exercise!

Yes, I may be 8 month's pregnant but I'm still exercising. I've taken it down a notch or two and mostly swim or do yoga, but I still go to the gym to do some cardio and toning exercises. There was one point where I nearly gave up but my midwife yesterday was very encouraging.

Not only did she tell me I had fantastic stomach muscles (that has made my year) but that all the exercise I was doing would really help in labour. You have to think of it as a marathon and you wouldn't just turn up and run it without training, would you? Well not unless you were Jade Goody of course!

Having strong stomach muscles also means I'll be able to push more easily, which will hopefully make the birth quicker and less painful. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one!

Week 34: And relax!

After all the excitement (that's probably not the right word but you get my gist) of the last month, it looks like this week might be the first time I get to relax.

I was doing some work at home still but that's all finished now so I feel my days are truly my own. I also had great news from the consultant yesterday who said that there was no need to go to hospital for regular monitoring and that my next appointment would be on 10th May. Hurrah. I hate going to that place with it's bright coloured walls and jaunty murals - it's not uplifting, it's seriously depressing.

I was also told that I won't be induced until week 39 or 40 so hopefully Pedro will be coming near his original due date. Happy days indeed.

It made me realise just how much I'd been stressing about it all so the next 4 weeks is me-time as EVERYONE keeps telling me I won't have much of that once the baby is here. Why do people think you don't know that? You're giving birth to a defenceless baby who needs constant care. However, I don't need to be constantly told that my life is practically over. Sigh.

I'm realistic and I know it will all be hard work but my mum managed to pop me out in July and go back to running a hotel so I reckon you can be a mum and still be you.

In fact, we've got our first adventure already booked for August as one of my close friends is getting married in Ireland. I'm being really relaxed by it all but I might change my mind after the trip! So if anyone has any good advice on travelling with a 3 month old baby, I'd love to hear it!

Week 33: Getting ready for baby's arrival

Until now I've been fairly laidback about the arrival of Pedro. That's not to say I haven't been prepared, and we've been buying stuff steadily since about 6 months. And thank god we did as this week I found out that due to my Obstetric cholestasis I will probably be meeting Pedro in 3 weeks, instead of 5-6 weeks!

This has really thrown a spanner in the works! Firstly, I had to start my maternity leave early. That was a real wrench and in fact, I came home and cried after my last day. However, I've now been off for just over a week and am VERY relieved that I got signed off sick. I'm spending so much time at hospital that my car parking charges could've bought my own ward! Not having to struggle into work inbetween appointments has really helped and I definitely feel less stressed. I'm also not sleeping due to the itching and need to pee, but it doesn't matter now as I can have a little disco nap every afternoon!

On a downside, my consultant has advised me not to go and see Whitney Houston next week. Now, considering her lukewarm reviews, some might think this is a good thing but I'd been really looking forward to it and the tickets were not cheap but I have to do what's right for baby. Thank god I bought ticket insurance at the time - maybe I'm psychic - so am hoping to get the cash back.

At the moment, we're getting the nursery done and that has actually made me quite excited. Seeing Pedro's room come together makes it feel more real, plus, it will give us a chance to get all the stuff we've bought out. At the moment, everything is stuck in cupboards, under tables, in our bedroom - wherever we can keep it.

We also had to get our fingers out and buy a car seat, which for some reason we've been putting off - well it's not the most exciting purchase is it? At first, we thought this was going to be problematic as the lady at Mothercare said our seats were funny and none of their car seats fitted. What?! Thankfully, Mamas & Papas came to the rescue. I know they're more expensive but every time we've been there, we've just had the best advice.

Thankfully, they found the perfect seat, which not only fitted but actually goes with our pushchair - result. It's the Cybex Aton in Cress if you're interested and it was £20 cheaper than the one we saw in Mothercare. So don't be put off Mamas & Papas and that they're too expensive - as that's not always the case and they are so helpful. Now, all we've go to do is wait for Pedro's arrival...

Weeks 31 and 32: The week I discover I have a condition I can't pronounce!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had an unexpected stay in hospital due to a tummy bug. Well, two days after I was released, I was readmitted! I'd gone back to hospital because I was very itchy - especially on my hands and feet - and wanted to get a prescription for something. Instead, I got readmitted for not one but two nights!

It turns out that I have a pregnancy-related liver condition called Obstetric cholestasis. Basically, my liver can't process all the toxins so they are being released into my body and making me itch like a flea-infested dog. It's obviously very uncomfortable for me but unfortunately dangerous for Pedro. In fact, when you google the condition you get lots of horrible stats about stillbirths, premature labour and inductions.

In reality what it means for me and Pedro is that we'll be having lots more hospital visits over the remaining couple of months (but hopefully no more overnight stays - I couldn't bear the food!). He has to be monitored, while I need constant blood tests and if things get worse, unfortunately they will induce him. So much for my plans to have a fabulously natural birth in the birthing centre.

It just goes to show that you can't plan anything. Life is about throwing you a curveball I suppose. Obviously I was distraught knowing poor Pedro could be harmed but after that, the hardest thing has been having to start my maternity leave early. My GP signed me off so I have one more day in the office tomorrow and then that's it. It's only about 3 weeks early but I just wasn't prepared yet so has been really difficult to let go of, which I was just not expecting.

Thankfully this week, I've also had lots of lovely things happening. My hubby turned 40 and I got to dress up and forget everything for the evening. Even though I couldn't drink the champers, it felt so nice just being me for a night. Plus, everyone told me how amazing I looked and how small my bump was, which obviously cheered me up no end - all girls love being told they're slim!!!

I also got to see my two best friends who I haven't seen for ages. One friend lives back home in Devon and I haven't seen her since December aand the other one has been travelling since September. It was so lovely to see them and knowing my best friend is back from her travels and just down the road has made me feel so much happier. And that's what this last couple of weeks have taught me - it's the small things in life that make it feel so brilliant and that we have to make the most of every opportunity as who knows what's round that corner?

Week 30: The week where I enjoy a stay in hospital...

Until this week, my health had been relatively good. Yes, I've had morning sickness. Yes, I've had bad pelvic pain, but overall I feel quite lucky. I keep hearing all these stories about people picking up loads of bug due to low immune system but I've actually been healthier then I normally would've been! Must have been something to do with early nights and no alcohol. However, this week unfortunately I was so sick I ended up in hospital.

I had a vomitting bug, and due to throwing up non-stop for 7 hours, I was admitted into hospital and put on a drip straight away as dehydration can cause premature labour. The baby bump was also rigged up to monitor Pedro's heartbeat (that's our new name for the bump!) to ensure he wasn't distressed. Thankfully, he seems to be a chilled out dude and was hardly affected.

I wish the same could've been said for me. So many feelings went through my head - guilt, sadness, loneliness. The latter was the most suprising as until now I've just been getting on with things and enjoying myself as much as I can, but as I lay alone in my hospital bed, I realised that I was truly on my own in this pregnancy lark. As much as friends, family and partners can say they understand what you're going through, they don't - how could they? The relationship you have with your bump is special and unique to you.

Until this scary 2-day stay in hospital, I've just been carrying on like normal but something has clicked and I don't think I can now. On one level, this means really slowing down on the physical front, but on another level, it means I'm not going to take any bullshit any more. I can't be bothered playing mind games at work or with friends or with the husband.

All I want to do for the final 2 months is to concentrate on making sure little Pedro is safe and healthy. It will probably be a shock for most of my acquaintances as I'm so maleable and game to go along with what everyone wants, but for the first time in my life, it will be no more. I'm going to do everything for this baby now and if some people get their noses put out of joint, so be it - after all, blood truly is thicker than water...

Week 29: Hypnobirthing - does it work?

Well as I've not gone through the labour process, it's probably a bit premature for me to answer this question, but what I can tell you from the hypnobirthing sessions I've had is that I feel so much more relaxed, informed and excited about giving birth - which is a change from how I felt just 2 weeks ago.

Now, I'm not a hippy, dippy type person - I believe in conventional medicine as much as alternative solutions, but I do believe in the power of the mind. Perhaps it's because I've always had an overactive imagination and have got myself into actual physical states from negative thinking that I realise the power of positive thought? Perhaps I'm just clutching at straws as I'm dreading labour so much? Whatever the reason, hypnobirthing has really helped prepare me for the long journey ahead!

Not only has it helped me relax about the birth, but also becoming a mummy. I'm sure it's normal to be nervous about bringing a small person into this world but hypnobirthing has really helped me believe I will be a good mum - and a slim one! Yes, the sessions and CD also claim to help you shed your baby weight.

The actual sessions are also very relaxing. There's no watches invovled and it's like going for a very relaxing sleep as you listen to your therapist talk you through your pregnancy, labour and becoming a mum. In fact, I really looked forward to my sessions and was really disappointed when they ended!

I went to see a wonderful therapist called Paola who runs Inner Power Hypnobirthing. She has such a calm way about her, and such a wonderful voice to listen to, that I found it so easy to go under. Not only has she helped me with the hypnotheraphy side of things, but she is a fountain of knowledge as well. In fact, I've learnt more from her than my midwives. Did you know for example that grated carrot is great for sore breasts when breastfeeding? Also makes for a handy snack if you're caught out and about and get hungry I suppose...

She also recommened two Bach Flower Remedies that have transformed me! White Chestnut helps my mind stop racing, allowing me to go back to sleep after getting up the umpteenth time in the night, while Olive is helping boost my ever-decreasing energy levels. Who knew something so small could make such a small difference?

So, I'd recommend if you're stressing about being pregnant, the labour or being a mum, you book into some hypnobirthing sessions now. It's not the cheapest thing you'll shell out on during pregnancy, but I'd pay anything to be as relaxed as I am now - it really is one of the best things I've invested in. Right, I'm off to play my CD now, imagine myself on that beach in the Maldives and relax... at this rate, baby will be a total chilled out dude!

Top Tip: Exercising While Pregnant

As a bit of a fitness buff prior to getting pregnant, I've not let up on the whole fitness thing. Granted, I have slowed down somewhat during these last months, but I think it's so important to keep fit and strong throughout your pregnancy - after all, labour looks as difficult as running a marathon and you wouldn't do that without any preparation, would you?

I still swim and go to the gym, although I do sometimes get funny looks while I'm lifting weights or on the cross-trainer. Yes! I'm pregnant, but it's OK, we're allowed to exercise within reason.

However, the bigger I'm getting, the more tired I'm getting so I'm supplementing my less-frequent gym trips now with fitness DVDs. I haven't actually used fitness DVDs since they were, well, videos! So it was with some trepidation and memories of dodgy callanetics videos from the '80s that I made a couple of purchases from Amazon.

After much research I settled on two. The first one I chose was Pregnancy Health Yoga. I used to do yoga regularly and have missed that flexibility (especially when bending over with a bump is twice as hard). I've also heard all the tales that yoga does help through labour so popped this one into my basket. Having now done it a few times, I can say it's really good, although I think it will help if you've already done some yoga moves. I do find the new age music and lovey-dovey comments to send golden lights of love to your baby slightly nauseous but the DVD has been a godsend at dealing with my ever increasing fatigue and SPD pain.


Second on the list is Complete Pregnancy Fitness. This one really jumped out at me as a lot of reveiwers said it really made them sweat - and I still want to do that! However, sometimes it can be scary knowing exactly what you can and cannot do in the gym, so I thought this would be a good compromise. And it is! It's funny (she tells you to pause when you need that inevitable wee break!), easy to follow, makes good use of household items such as chairs for squats and does really make you sweat! I really felt like I'd had a good workout after following this.

The plus point with both of these videos is that they are presented by pregnant women so you can't use that excuse that you can't do it because of your bump.

They also include workouts to do with your partner, but I've yet to encourage my dear hubby to take part in it yet - will report back if I ever persuade him...

Week 28: Gosh, I'm pregnant!

Being a fairly typical Cancerian, I'm somewhat averse to change. I realise change is important to enable us to move on with our lives, however, I'm just dreadful at it. I'm so bad that it's taken me this long to accept that Eastenders is on 4 times a week now...

And it's taken me 7 months to accept that I'm actually going to have a baby! This may sound strange but I've been kind of ignoring the situation for the last 28 weeks. This wasn't because I didn't want to be pregnant, but because it's such a life-changing event, I couldn't even get my head around it.

I am the girl who can never make up her mind where she wants to go out... or what she wants to wear in the morning... or what she wants to eat at lunch. So you can see how confounding it was for me to find out I was carrying a small human being.

The first 3 months are secretive anyway - nobody knows so I just didn't feel very pregnant. Plus, I spent most of my energy trying not to throw up my breakfast/lunch/dinner.

The next 3 months have been a strange nowhere land. Obviously I started to look more pregnant, and people knew, but it just seemed so far away. There was also part of me that pretended I wasn't pregnant and kept on working those long hours, going out with friends, going to the gym, getting up early, going to be late... I suppose I just wanted to be me - not some pregnant woman. I've seen friends of mine defined by their pregnancy or their children and I've always been determined not to let that happen to me.

So I'm not sure what's happened between week 27 and week 28 but suddenly I've realised I've pregnant and what's more, am embracing it! I'm enjoying taking my foot off the work pedal, loving being pampered by my hubby and relishing in the fact that if I want to spend a day watching TV, I can!

I'm also getting my head around the fact that there is going to be a new addition to our family - and instead of worrying about how I'm going to juggle everything, I'm just looking forward to meeting our son. Eek! That makes it feel even more real now... bring it on!

Week 27: Labour Worries

Why did I do it? I knew from the trailers that it would scare the bejesus out of me, but for some strange reason, last night I tuned into the new documentary series, One Born Every Minute.

Cue one very restless night. Don't get me wrong, I know that childbirth isn't easy but I didn't really need to see it in such glorious technicolour. Actually, the colour was fine, it was the sounds that sent chills through my spine. Banshee shrills, grunts, whining - it's all so well, undignified.

I have a high pain threshold but I think there's something about the undignity of it all that's upsetting me the most. I'm very shy and the thought of having to be so gutteral in front of strangers, makes me feel slightly nauseous.

So, even though I'd really quite like the baby to stay where he is, I've decided to tackle this by booking a hypno birthing course. Yes, I could have spent that money on stuff for the baby but I figure if this course will rid me of the fear, it will be worth every penny.

I know after nublet is born, I'll probably forget the pain, and think it was all worth it, but it's the anticipation that's killing me now so if anyone has any great tips on how to deal with labour fear, I'd love to hear them!

Week 25 and 26: The Limitations of Pregnancy

As a child of the '70s, I'm one of the generation that have been told we can do - and have - everything. Well , this last few weeks have taught me this is quite the opposite!

It seems that working all the hours around the clock, trying to keep see friends and  being pregnant do NOT mix. Take London Fashion Week for example. I spent one day at 4 shows and the activities of the day - running between the office and Somerset House, queuing up, standing up at the fashion show (unfortunately I'm not fashion royalty so don't get given a seat!) - absolutely exhausted me. I was in bed by 9pm.

The thing I'm learing is that I have to listen to my body and learn when to slow down, so our babymoon came at a great time. If you don't know what a babymoon is, where have you been? They're the in thing - basically, it's the last break you'll ever take without a small child nipping at your ankles! So for this reason, the hubby and I decided to spend a few days down at Babbington House. Ridiculously expensive, yes, but absolutely brilliant.

It was the first time in months that I relaxed and let go of things. I slept in the afternoon, took long baths (you can watch the TV while you bathe at Babbington), had spa treatments, went for country walks, and ate nice food.

I'd just like to point out there was one other thing I learnt I couldn't do while pregnant, and that's climb stiles. I actually got physically stuck on the top of one - cue much hilarity from the hubby! I'm also getting breathless really easily, which isn't much fun - especially when you've just walked up a flight of stairs. Now I know how unfit people feel!!!

I hadn't realised how stressed I had been and I got so angry at myself. I've been pushing myself to prove to my peers (and to me) that pregnancy hasn't changed a thing... but it has! Yes, I'm capable of doing my job, but the commute and long hours do exhaust me and I need to step back. The one thing I DON'T want is my baby to be a stress junkie like it's mother so my 26 week resolution (they're the latest thing don't you know?!) is to calm down and take it slow. It's not a crime after all!

Week 24: The D Word

In this modern age, it seems us women can have it all, especially when it comes to having a family. On the surface, it seems we can. New laws mean mums-to-be can now legally take a year off, fathers get paternity leave and most workplaces offer flexible working - but have these changes really made a difference in the attitude of people in the workplace?

I think not and now Denise Van Outen has come out publicy saying she believes she was axed from the BBC's latest TV talent show with Andrew Lloyd Webber due to her being pregnant.

Not only has the gorgeous Denise been dropped but she's been replaced by a much younger presenter, Charlotte Church. As Denise proved at the recent Fashion For Relief show, she's still gorgeous and fit and able to work, saying "'I am not ill, I am just having a baby."

I too feel like I've been discriminated somewhat at work. On one hand, it seems I'm not allowed to be pregnant and if I complain of any pregnancy related illnesses or tiredness after working a 12 hour day, it's not really taken seriously. On the other hand, I was recently replaced for a stint on camera. Now I'm not fronting a huge BBC show, but just a few online videos, but it suddenly seemed that senior management thought a younger, more famous face should front the most recent video. My presenting has never been questioned before - in fact, that same senior management praised the videos I'd done in the past and suggested I do more, even given me more budget to do so.

I'd like to think they wanted a famous face and that was why I was dropped, however, the company I work for (as is the same for most companies) is run by men, for men and I feel they probably don't really like to consider pregnancy in the workplace. After all, I bet most of these senior men have wives who have never worked after their pregnancy. Some of us however need to - whether it's financial or emotional - and yet I don't think it's ever taken seriously. When I return to work next year, I know I will have been forgotten and will have to strive to make my mark once more. Yet, the job I'm doing at the moment - becoming a mum - is probably one of the most important in the world. I don't want anyone to pander to my needs, just to appreciagte what I'm going through now and support me in my return to work.

I'm hoping we get to see lots more of Denise once she's popped the baby out, but I fear that sexism and ageism is just to rife and she may find - as I will - her career having to suffer for her child. If men could have children, I feel the status quo would be oh so different!

Top Tip: Shopping for that ever growing bump

Thanks to the likes of Topshop and ASOS, there are nice maternity clothes out there, however, they are still few and far between. Most retailers seem to think that because you're pregnant, you don't care how you look and will be quite happy to wear bootleg jeans and tunic tops - bleurgh!

So, if like me, you still love clothes, follow my tip and just buy a size bigger! It doesn't work for trousers etc, but for dresses and tops, it's great. Look for either looser shapes (as opposed to anything fitted) or jersey material - New Look do great T-shirts and long sleeved tops that are so cheap and fit well over the bump. Oh, and leggings are a must - they go under dresses, baggy hoodies, long jumpers. They are the mainstay of my wardrobe, so will probably never want to look at a pair again once I've given birth, but for now they're a godsend.

The great thing about buying a size bigger is that after the birth, you can still wear these clothes without feeling dreadful that you're still in maternity clothes.

The two things that are definitely worth buying from a maternity range though are jeans and tights.

Discovering maternity tights was like a revelation - they're so much comfier than regular tights and shops like Topshop even do cool patterned ones. There are some great jean options out there but I do still struggle with the ugly elastic bit and the fact that I spend most of my time hoiking them up!

Got any top pregnancy fashion tips?! Let me know please!

Week 23: Frustrated! Stressed! This isn't fun

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks because I've been so busy at work. In fact, at a time when everyone is telling me to slow down, I'm actually working harder than ever. Yesterday I left the house at 6.30am and got home at 8.15pm. It's all very well my family and friends telling me to slow down and relax but that's not so easy when you're trying to prove yourself at work still.

There may be lots of rules and regulations that protect you in pregnancy but the reality is not so good. Yes, you're legally entitled to time off for your ante natal appointments etc but the reality is that taking time off for the appointments means you end up working later another day just to get your work done.

 I've always been a career woman so it's very hard now at 36 to take my foot off the work pedal. I don't want people to see me as a lame pregnant woman, unable to pull their weight, but equally I don't want to harm my baby boy or myself.

The end result is that my poor hubby gets it in the neck! By Friday night, I am so exhausted after my working week that I end up tired, frustrated and crying. The other week I was a total cliched pregnant woman and had a strop for no reason at all, throwing empty boxes around the house and blubbing like a total hormonal fool!

So, I think unfortunately it might be time to start that slow down and stop working silly hours and start getting a couple of early nights a week. I've just got to believe in my worth at work and not worry about whether I'm letting people down, after all, I'm now embarking on probably the most important job I've ever done - being a mum!

Week 21: Pregnancy backache is all my fault, apparently!

I am now officially annoyed. If I'd written this post just 2-3 hours earlier, I'd have been upset and in tears, but as is the thing with pregnancy hormones, I'm moving on from one emotion to the other fairly rapidly.

The reason for my anger? A very unsympathetic GP, who I went to see for reassurance but left feeling really fat and a failure. Basically, I've been feeling under the weather this week and that coupled with excruciating back pain, meant I sought out a doctor's appointment. Now this is the first time I've been to see my doctor since getting pregnant with any ailment, but she treated me like I was some hysterical first time mum who didn't know anything.

After I explained that the lower back pain/hip pain was causing me problems walking and also sleeping (if I move a millimetre I get extreme pain shooting through my back and leg), she asked me how far gone I was. When I told her 22 weeks, she laughed saying 'Oh, you're VERY large. That will be why you're getting pain as you're a larger lady'. Then she laughed exclaiming that I would have another 4 months of this pain. Ha, ha, ha - NOT FUNNY!

At the time, I was so desperate to get some advice (which I didn't get by the way, she told me to do all the things I was already doing - exercise, pregnancy pillows, hot and cold treatments) that I glossed over her insult. However, when my husband asked how it went, I burst into tears, wailing that I was fat and the pain was all my fault.

So I'm posting my pic of me and my bare belly now to reassure myself that I'm not fat. I've only put on 13 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy, which after some research, seems to be about the right amount of weight to have put on. Do let me know if you think I'm a lardy arse though?!

It made me realise that GPs are not always the best port of call when you're pregnant. I rang my midwife immediately after this disappointing encounter, and not only did she immediately book me in for some pregnancy physio, but she reassured me that it wasn't about my weight, but did ask if I'd been overdoing it lately. Guilty as charged, m'lud. I was out every night last week, which included 2 gym sessions and 3 out and about with friend sessions, plus I shopped until I dropped at the weekend, when I suddenly realised we have nothing for the baby.

If anything, as well as making me lose my faith in the medical profession, this incident has made me realise that as much as I want to carry on as if nothing has changed, it has. I'm carrying another little person now and that extra weight and responsibility means I should slow down. I even found myself pushing myself extra hard at the gym the other night in order to prove all the onlookers that I still had it. Sad or what? I suppose I want to prove that after this pregnancy, I will still be me and not just someone's mum. Thank god, I still have another 4 months to work it all out.

Week 20: It's a Boy!

We had our anomaly scan this week, which I was quite anxious about. I know a lot of people see this as the boy or girl scan, but for me it was essentially the scan to ensure our baby was fit and healthy and I'm pleased to report that he is. That's right, he is a he! I've never been one of these women who have a certain baby fantasy about bringing up a little girl or boy, but that's probably because I've never really dreamt about having children. All I cared about was our baby was fit and healthy.

Saying that, my poor dad has been the only man in our family for so long (my sister even had a daugther) that I really wanted a boy for him - I just knew he'd be so pleased. And I was right. The poor bloke had lost his voice but he squeaked at the top of what voice he had left when we announced our news. I now get part of this having a baby thing! It's all about sharing and caring and being part of a big family.

We also learnt that we're either having a very big baby or he will be coming into this world sooner than 3rd June! It seems strange to think that we'll be seing him soon. It was so fascinating to see his spine, his little heart beating, his little fingers wrapping around his belly - yet I'll certainly feel happier once he's in this world and I know for sure he's OK. No-one told me pregnancy anxiety would be so bad. Maybe it's because, apart from my lovely hubbie, I've never really put anyone before in my life - after all I am a Generation X child!

Week 19: Life, Death And Too Many Tears

Oh what a week of ups and downs it has been. I am on the edge of tears practically every day due to the hormones ravaging my system. This emotional tornado did start a while back but lately, it's become almost unbearable to live with - my poor old hubbie only has to ask me if I'm OK, and off I go.

It has though been compounded by other external situations. The snow for starters. It's stressful enough trying to get to work for 3 hours and failing, let alone when you're a pregnant, hormonal mess. I even cried during one commute because of the pushing and shoving and shouting. God, I'm so sensitive.

Also, I seem to be surrounded by death at the moment. Or is it that I'm just more aware? My husband's uncle died, my best friend's father died, but saddest of all, a close friend's husband died on New Year's Eve in a bike accident. She's not even 30 and is a widow. Just typing that has set me off again. I can't even begin to imagine how she's going to cope and it's made me even more over protective over my husband. His job is quite dangerous anyway so I'm not able to relax until I know he's home OK.

Being pregnant does make you dwell on death a lot though. You're constantly told that you could lose the baby, or there could be something wrong with it, which obviously makes you contemplate the unfairness that is life. You're also carrying a brand new life, something more precious than anything else in the world, and boy that is scary. Sometimes I'm so scared of doing harm to the baby that I'm paralysed, lying in bed afraid to move or eat or anything.

I also worry about losing those I love more. Before if anything happened to the husband, I would of course have been devastated however, I would've picked myself up and got on with it. Now, I don't think I could. I wouldn't just be losing my soul mate and best friend but also the father of my unborn child.

So, this week I've mostly been about distraction. This works so much better than anything else. Whether it's exercising, going out with friends, watching movies with the husband, until this emotional kidnapping of my brain is over, I think it's the only way to cope!

Week 18: Rebelling against type!

I am not your normal mummy-to-be type. In fact, it was fair to say that most people were shocked when I told them the news I was expecting - me included. It's something that's never been on my to do list - I've been too busy carving out a new media career and living the Sex And The City lifestyle to even contemplate babies. And maybe it's because I've never craved the bump and the snuggling newborn, that this pregnancy is proving to be quite a difficult emotional ride for me.

I hate getting fat. I hate that this little creature is taking over my body, and controlling how I feel and look. I hate feeling vulnerable (something that has really hit home during this snowy period). I hate not being able to run as fast. I hate not drinking alcohol! Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things I love about it, but it's a difficult concept to get your head around, especially when expressing such views are taboo in our society.

So thank god for femininst writer Naomi Wolf and her book, Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood. Without this wise tome, I think I would've gone crazy. This is a great book to reassure you that what you're going through is normal - not everyone bonds immediately with their bump or enjoys gaining weight. It's a tad American, especially when it talks about medical procedures, which hopefully are a lot different to ours, but it's been invaluable to me.

Naomi hated being vulnerable too. And fat. And patronised. I am not alone. She also makes a worthwhile point that pregnant women aren't valued in our society - we're seen as a strain, especially in the workforce, are ignored by those around us (I see this one on the train EVERY day) and are generally seen as a bit of a nuisance. In other societies, pregnant women are revered and worshipped. I'm not asking for this, but just a bit of consideration - from everyone around me. I don't want to go out as much thanks - it's boring not drinking. I can't get around as quickly now. Trudging through snow and waiting on a freezing cold platform for 45 minutes when you're pregnant with a bladder the size of a pea is hard work - so please appreciate it when I do get into the office.

I don't want to finish my post on a negative vibe though, so I will list the things I like about being pregnant. It's nice being fussed over by my husband. I can eat anything I like. My disco naps on a weekend afternoon are now seen as legitimate. Being over hormonal and moody is acceptable. Oh, and I'm part of a huge miracle that is life - a whole new person is inside me and their whole future awaits them and that quite frankly, is bloody exciting!