Week 21: Pregnancy backache is all my fault, apparently!

I am now officially annoyed. If I'd written this post just 2-3 hours earlier, I'd have been upset and in tears, but as is the thing with pregnancy hormones, I'm moving on from one emotion to the other fairly rapidly.

The reason for my anger? A very unsympathetic GP, who I went to see for reassurance but left feeling really fat and a failure. Basically, I've been feeling under the weather this week and that coupled with excruciating back pain, meant I sought out a doctor's appointment. Now this is the first time I've been to see my doctor since getting pregnant with any ailment, but she treated me like I was some hysterical first time mum who didn't know anything.

After I explained that the lower back pain/hip pain was causing me problems walking and also sleeping (if I move a millimetre I get extreme pain shooting through my back and leg), she asked me how far gone I was. When I told her 22 weeks, she laughed saying 'Oh, you're VERY large. That will be why you're getting pain as you're a larger lady'. Then she laughed exclaiming that I would have another 4 months of this pain. Ha, ha, ha - NOT FUNNY!

At the time, I was so desperate to get some advice (which I didn't get by the way, she told me to do all the things I was already doing - exercise, pregnancy pillows, hot and cold treatments) that I glossed over her insult. However, when my husband asked how it went, I burst into tears, wailing that I was fat and the pain was all my fault.

So I'm posting my pic of me and my bare belly now to reassure myself that I'm not fat. I've only put on 13 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy, which after some research, seems to be about the right amount of weight to have put on. Do let me know if you think I'm a lardy arse though?!

It made me realise that GPs are not always the best port of call when you're pregnant. I rang my midwife immediately after this disappointing encounter, and not only did she immediately book me in for some pregnancy physio, but she reassured me that it wasn't about my weight, but did ask if I'd been overdoing it lately. Guilty as charged, m'lud. I was out every night last week, which included 2 gym sessions and 3 out and about with friend sessions, plus I shopped until I dropped at the weekend, when I suddenly realised we have nothing for the baby.

If anything, as well as making me lose my faith in the medical profession, this incident has made me realise that as much as I want to carry on as if nothing has changed, it has. I'm carrying another little person now and that extra weight and responsibility means I should slow down. I even found myself pushing myself extra hard at the gym the other night in order to prove all the onlookers that I still had it. Sad or what? I suppose I want to prove that after this pregnancy, I will still be me and not just someone's mum. Thank god, I still have another 4 months to work it all out.

Week 20: It's a Boy!

We had our anomaly scan this week, which I was quite anxious about. I know a lot of people see this as the boy or girl scan, but for me it was essentially the scan to ensure our baby was fit and healthy and I'm pleased to report that he is. That's right, he is a he! I've never been one of these women who have a certain baby fantasy about bringing up a little girl or boy, but that's probably because I've never really dreamt about having children. All I cared about was our baby was fit and healthy.

Saying that, my poor dad has been the only man in our family for so long (my sister even had a daugther) that I really wanted a boy for him - I just knew he'd be so pleased. And I was right. The poor bloke had lost his voice but he squeaked at the top of what voice he had left when we announced our news. I now get part of this having a baby thing! It's all about sharing and caring and being part of a big family.

We also learnt that we're either having a very big baby or he will be coming into this world sooner than 3rd June! It seems strange to think that we'll be seing him soon. It was so fascinating to see his spine, his little heart beating, his little fingers wrapping around his belly - yet I'll certainly feel happier once he's in this world and I know for sure he's OK. No-one told me pregnancy anxiety would be so bad. Maybe it's because, apart from my lovely hubbie, I've never really put anyone before in my life - after all I am a Generation X child!

Week 19: Life, Death And Too Many Tears

Oh what a week of ups and downs it has been. I am on the edge of tears practically every day due to the hormones ravaging my system. This emotional tornado did start a while back but lately, it's become almost unbearable to live with - my poor old hubbie only has to ask me if I'm OK, and off I go.

It has though been compounded by other external situations. The snow for starters. It's stressful enough trying to get to work for 3 hours and failing, let alone when you're a pregnant, hormonal mess. I even cried during one commute because of the pushing and shoving and shouting. God, I'm so sensitive.

Also, I seem to be surrounded by death at the moment. Or is it that I'm just more aware? My husband's uncle died, my best friend's father died, but saddest of all, a close friend's husband died on New Year's Eve in a bike accident. She's not even 30 and is a widow. Just typing that has set me off again. I can't even begin to imagine how she's going to cope and it's made me even more over protective over my husband. His job is quite dangerous anyway so I'm not able to relax until I know he's home OK.

Being pregnant does make you dwell on death a lot though. You're constantly told that you could lose the baby, or there could be something wrong with it, which obviously makes you contemplate the unfairness that is life. You're also carrying a brand new life, something more precious than anything else in the world, and boy that is scary. Sometimes I'm so scared of doing harm to the baby that I'm paralysed, lying in bed afraid to move or eat or anything.

I also worry about losing those I love more. Before if anything happened to the husband, I would of course have been devastated however, I would've picked myself up and got on with it. Now, I don't think I could. I wouldn't just be losing my soul mate and best friend but also the father of my unborn child.

So, this week I've mostly been about distraction. This works so much better than anything else. Whether it's exercising, going out with friends, watching movies with the husband, until this emotional kidnapping of my brain is over, I think it's the only way to cope!

Week 18: Rebelling against type!

I am not your normal mummy-to-be type. In fact, it was fair to say that most people were shocked when I told them the news I was expecting - me included. It's something that's never been on my to do list - I've been too busy carving out a new media career and living the Sex And The City lifestyle to even contemplate babies. And maybe it's because I've never craved the bump and the snuggling newborn, that this pregnancy is proving to be quite a difficult emotional ride for me.

I hate getting fat. I hate that this little creature is taking over my body, and controlling how I feel and look. I hate feeling vulnerable (something that has really hit home during this snowy period). I hate not being able to run as fast. I hate not drinking alcohol! Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things I love about it, but it's a difficult concept to get your head around, especially when expressing such views are taboo in our society.

So thank god for femininst writer Naomi Wolf and her book, Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood. Without this wise tome, I think I would've gone crazy. This is a great book to reassure you that what you're going through is normal - not everyone bonds immediately with their bump or enjoys gaining weight. It's a tad American, especially when it talks about medical procedures, which hopefully are a lot different to ours, but it's been invaluable to me.

Naomi hated being vulnerable too. And fat. And patronised. I am not alone. She also makes a worthwhile point that pregnant women aren't valued in our society - we're seen as a strain, especially in the workforce, are ignored by those around us (I see this one on the train EVERY day) and are generally seen as a bit of a nuisance. In other societies, pregnant women are revered and worshipped. I'm not asking for this, but just a bit of consideration - from everyone around me. I don't want to go out as much thanks - it's boring not drinking. I can't get around as quickly now. Trudging through snow and waiting on a freezing cold platform for 45 minutes when you're pregnant with a bladder the size of a pea is hard work - so please appreciate it when I do get into the office.

I don't want to finish my post on a negative vibe though, so I will list the things I like about being pregnant. It's nice being fussed over by my husband. I can eat anything I like. My disco naps on a weekend afternoon are now seen as legitimate. Being over hormonal and moody is acceptable. Oh, and I'm part of a huge miracle that is life - a whole new person is inside me and their whole future awaits them and that quite frankly, is bloody exciting!